


in the arms of an angel

by pixiebow



Category: SKAM (Netherlands)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Coming Out, F/F, Falling In Love, Female Friendship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Love at First Sight, Mental Health Issues, basically skam nl season three with engel being the main, lots of wholesome friendships, the girlsquad being awesome, the skam nl season 3 we deserve
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:26:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22244815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiebow/pseuds/pixiebow
Summary: engel beekman's life is about to change completely - for better of for worst - and she will have to question everything she believed to be true before. from falling in love to keeping the pristine and happy facade she has carefully built up her whole life; nothing will be as it was before.The Skam NL season three we deserved but with Engel as the main.
Relationships: Engel Beekman/Original Female Character, Liv Reijners/Noah Boom
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	in the arms of an angel

**zaterdag** 23:32

> **_now playing: boys (dave audé remix) by lizzo_ **
> 
> boys, boys, boys  
>  make a girl go crazy (four, three, two, ow)  
>  boys, boys, boys  
>  make a girl go crazy (four, three, two, ow)

“What about the cute one over there?”

“The cute one over there? Be more specific, girl.”

The music blasting from Isas phone hooked to the speakers was loud enough for Engel to pretend not to be catching every single word Isa and Janna were exchanging. She could hear them loud and clear - knew exactly which guys they were talking about. But right now she couldn’t muster up the energy to play along. It was as if all the energy had left her body after she had finally managed to let go of Noah. Or the dream-like fantasy of him that she had conjured in her mind.

Thankfully with the Noah drama ending and Liv and him getting together, the girls had also seemed to drop the topic of trying to set her up with a cute boy. She just couldn’t trust another guy again after being played like that - mainly by herself, but also by Noah. At least that was what she told the girls and herself.

Catching the bright pink straw swimming around her drink and taking a sip of the sickenly sweet iced tea, she let her eyes wander over the party in front of them. Esra and Ralph were tearing it up on the dance floor as usual, showing off their bizarre combination of dance moves while somehow still looking cool. She couldn’t help but smile at the warmth bubbling up in her stomach. Esra had been nothing but patient and loving when it came to the girls - and especially her. She cared for them like a bigger sister would and never shied away from providing open arms and ears for them. In addition to that she was also never afraid to pull the robot on the dance floor - or whatever dance move she was doing right now. 

Liv and Noah were probably somewhere on the outskirts of the party - lost in each others eyes and their own little world they seemed to create wherever they went. Engel had managed to get to a point now where she felt no residue of that familiar pang whenever she saw them together. She could probably count herself lucky, seeing as despite Noah moving to Berlin and leaving Liv in Utrecht, Liv and Noah were still ever so omnipresent in her life now. It wasn’t really actively - Noah didn’t spend a lot of time with them and Liv wasn’t one to talk about her boyfriend all the time (the independent power woman that she was), but passively. It was in the way Liv carried herself, the lightness to her step, the smile whenever she thought of Noah, the way her eyes lit up when she looked at her phone and his name popped up on the screen. She also knew that there were still some unsolved issues, tension, but the best she could do was trust Liv and her decisions.

Engel was happy for her - incredibly so. How could she not; Liv was her friend, one of her best friends and to Engel the most important thing in life was that those she loved were happy. She didn’t always understand them and their relationship, the decisions they made, but that was the thing in the end - it was their relationship and their decisions to make, not hers. And again - the soft sting in her stomach was as good as gone, the last months had helped her pick herself up again. If her skin still tingled softly from time to time whenever Liv threw her arm around her shoulder no one had to know. Even if a small, quiet voice in the back of her head lamented that it should be Noah who made her skin tingle at contact, and not Liv. But she shut it out as well as she could.

“Engel, my girl.” 

Jannas voice ripped her out of her pondering and she whirled her head around to be met with her friends trademark grin, as lopsided and bright as ever. The mischievous glint that never really left her eyes shone even brighter with the coloured neon lights dancing around the room.

“Yes?” she replied, caution lacing through her voice as she mustered Janna and Isas matching grins. Isa shot her a wink.

Janna placed her empty cup on the table they were leaning against, gold bangles around her wrists dangling loudly against each other with every move. “We need your opinion over here.”

Fiddling with the hem of her dress sleeves, she scooted closer to her friends again, soft smile playing on her lips. If there was one thing she could never stop thanking every higher power for, it would be her friends. 

For Janna, who had been her friend for as long as she could remember, who was crazy, loud, brave and bold (all the things Engel would never be) unapologetically, but always with open arms and a warm heart. 

For Isa, who was a ray of sunshine wherever she went. Who could light up a room just by smiling and who warmed all of their hearts with just a few words. Isa, who had lost herself completely, clinging to a boyfriend and nothing else, but had found herself again, emerging brighter and stronger than before.

For Liv, who was probably one of the strongest women she had ever met despite all the times people tried to break her down. She got up every time she stumbled, with her head held high and determination to carry her through everything. Liv with her angel voice, her strong soul and the will to fight for what and who she loved.

Engel loved and admired her friends, she really did. Which was why she gave in so easily and without a second thought to Janna and Isas schemes.

The two girls leaned in closer, Isas glitter-bespeckled curls tickling the side of her neck. 

“What about him?” 

Engel followed the line of Jannas not incredibly subtly pointed finger, finding the guy in question easily. He was cute, she couldn’t argue with that, blonde curls and crooked glasses perched on his nose as he gesticulated wildly. She wished she could be as enthusiastic about him as the girls expected her to be, she really did.

“No.” Janna and Isa didn’t appear to be fazed by her uncharacteristic short reply as they kept pointing out guy after guy to her.

“The one over there?”  
“The red-haired one?”  
“Yes, he’s got a cute shirt on.”  
“No.”  
“What about the one in the yellow sweater?” Isa placed her head on her shoulder, looking up at Engel with big, puppy-like eyes. The fond smile found a home on her lips without her even noticing.

“No. His shoes are weird.”  
Isa gave of a suppressed huff, her wild curls hitting Engel in the face. Her expression was coloured with pure disbelief and amusement as she raised her head to look at her. 

“His shoes are weird?”  
“Yes, that’s very important. How does the rest of his wardrobe look if his shoes look like that?”

Engel was carefully balancing the line between joking and serious with her reply, fueled mainly by the incredulous look both her friends gave her before bursting into soft giggles. Shrugging, she turned her attention back to mindlessly watching the mass of party-goers around them. Most of them were familiar faces, fellow students and the same teens that were around for every party. A few unfamiliar people were mingling in between the different groups, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends and a few stray faces no one could assign, all dancing to widely known pop-beats, moving as one. Engel couldn’t even remember what they were throwing a party for - the last school year had started a few weeks ago, no birthdays were in near sight and no national holiday provided any joyful occasion. They were just partying for the sake of getting together and screaming mildly inaccurate song lyrics as loud as they could into the night.

Janna and Isa were quiet for a few minutes next to her, Isa sipping loudly on her radioactive looking choice of beverage, and Engel felt like she might get a chance to breathe again. Fiddling with the pink umbrella floating in her soda, she could feel the tension slowly leaving her body again.

“What about Jayden?” So much about that. 

“Jayden?”

“Yeah, Jayden,” Janna replied with a near angelic face that Engel knew wasn’t serious. Her friend was anything but angelic.

“You mean Kes’ friend Jayden?” Letting her eyes dance over the people close to them, she tried finding Isa’s ex-boyfriend and his two friends somewhere in the masses, but failed. She believed to have seen Lucas’ pink sweater popping up between people an hour or two earlier when the party had started, yet he was nowhere to be found now. Maybe that was for the better.

“He’s a nice guy,” Isa joined in, nodding along enthusiastically. They were conspiring against her. Engel knew that they were just trying to be nice, good friends, trying to find a guy for her, but for some reason it just further implemented the unpleasant buzzing in her stomach. 

Engel tried to look nonchalant as she replied, the fake smile plastered onto her face as best as she could. This didn’t have to mean anything, that none of the guys caught her eye, that she wasn’t interested in hooking up or making out against a dark wall in the back of Isas house. It just wasn’t her style. “No, he’s not really my type.”

Janna opened her mouth to reply but was cut of by the shrill ring of the doorbell and an unknown voice calling out for the host of the party.  
“Isa, it’s the cops!”

“Ah, shit.” Isa downed the rest of her drink and pushed herself off the table. After turning the music down and flipping off a guy in the corner who complained loudly at the abrupt change of volume, she vanished into the masses. People around them began stumbling around the place, collecting bag and jackets and their general composure to look as sober as possible. Only a very few of them were succeeding. Janna next to her let out a deep groan as the lighting changed from dim to regular brightness again, eyes squinted nearly shut.

“I’ll go look for Liv and Noah. You good?”

Nodding to Jannas question and gifting her a bright smile as she moved away, Engel found herself alone for the first time this evening. She allowed her muscles to relax, taking a few deep breaths in and out. The bustle around her continued, but she let herself watch on for a few more seconds. Her drinks had all been alcohol-free this evening, apart from the sickenly sweet shots they had downed right at the beginning, so she had nothing to worry about would she be questioned by the cops. Her parents were out themselves at the theatre and she had promised Isa to help her clean up before leaving.

Isa hadn’t had overly much to drink herself, Engel was proud to see her slowly cutting back on alcohol and her unhealthy tendencies, so she shouldn’t have any problems with the police, but more sober people to convince the police they didn't mean harm could never hurt. The party wouldn’t continue either way, people already packing up and sneaking out as silently as they could muster (which was not overly so, seeing their state of intoxication). Engel slowly began making her way towards the front door, when another voice stopped her and upon turning around hesitantly, she was promptly met with a sheepish looking, all too familiar face.

“Hey Jayden,” she replied to his greeting, trying to hide the nervous rumbling in her stomach with her signature bright smile. It was impossible for him to know he had been the topic of their giggly conversation just mere minutes ago, she chided herself.

His eyes wandered absentmindedly over something behind her shoulder before settling back on her with a crooked smile. His white shirt was ruffled and his dark eyes slightly hazy, as if not fully here, but his smile was kind and from the few times she had talked to him, Engel remembered him to be quite funny.

“Do you happen to have a key for the backdoor? Or know where it is?”

At her squinted eyes, he seemed to back-track and stumbled to explain himself.

“You know, Kes got kind of shit-faced and with the police at the front door we can’t really get him out of there because that idiot isn’t stable enough to not throw up all over a police officers shoes, so you know…”, he trailed off, shrugging his shoulders.

Engel could feel her eyes wax saucer-huge at attempting to follow his word vomit; hastily trying to register his words as he spoke. She knew that Lucas and Kes were close, had heard so from Isa’s stories, and that Jayden had joined their group not that long ago, so hearing them care for each other so obviously warmed her heart. Even if she desperately hoped that Kes hadn’t already thrown up, with Isa and her being the ones who would most likely be forced clean the mess up.

“That’s so nice of you guys! It’s in the small red box by the shelves next to the door,” Isa hopefully wouldn’t mind her telling them. She’d just lock the door again. “Just put the key back into it and I’ll lock the door behind you.”

“You’re an angel!” Jayden chortled to himself, mumbling something under his breath that Engel didn’t manage to catch, “Literally.”

The laugh that left her mouth at his remark was more nervous than honest, but thankfully her opponent didn’t seem to realize her apprehension. 

Her eyes wandered past his tall figure, catching sight of the pink sweater and Lucas’ grown out curls which she had caught sight of at the beginning of the party already. He lingered a few steps behind them, gaze flickering nervously from person to person, from one object to another, as if looking for an escape route. Engel wondered what had made him so nervous - it couldn’t just be the prospect of his best friend losing the content of his stomach over an officer’s shoes. Before she had any more time to ponder over Lucas’ sketchy antics, Jayden’s voice broke through her thoughts once more.

“Thank you, we owe you.” 

Engel could only smile at his parting words before he mock-saluted and ducked away, assumably to collect his drunken friend wherever they had left him.

Lucas moved behind him, swift and nearly unnoticed. It was a blink-of-an-eye movement that would have never been caught, hadn't she already been fixated on his highly strung energy, with which he reached out, dropping a small colourless object into a decorative vase. Seconds later, he had withdrawn himself from the scene, dark blond curls disappearing into the shadows.

Confusion dominated not only her face but also her thoughts as she stared at the empty space the boy had occupied mere seconds earlier. 

She had no idea what just happened.

  
  


**zondag** 09:45

> **_now playing: sunrise by norah jones_ **
> 
> surprise, surprise couldn't find it in your eyes  
>  but I'm sure it's written all over my face  
>  never something I could hide  
>  when I see we made it through another day

When her alarm went off, Engel had already been lying awake for half an hour, staring at the glowing stars attached to her white ceiling. Rays of sunshine were peaking through her curtains, letting various shapes dance across her walls. The constant muffled chatter of her parents and the occasional sizzling from a pan downstairs lulled her into peaceful relaxation, allowing her to let her mind wander without any hurry to get up.

Cleaning had taken them quite a while last night. After the police left again (neighbours had complained about the loud music) the party had ended nearly immediately. The girls and her had cleaned up the living room in with music softly playing in the background, Isa bobbing her head along to the Macarena on low volume in a comedically overdone effort to be quiet. Engel had spent more time bent over, clutching her stomach and trying not to anger the Keijsers neighbours with her hysterical laughter than cleaning, but they’d gotten the job done. She had sunken into her cold sheets shortly after two and woken up again after just a few hours of deep slumber, feeling tired but unable to go back to sleep again.

Her limbs still felt heavy as she reached over to her nightstand for her phone. She opened her messenger up only to be greeted with several missed messages. All from their group chat.

* * *

* * *

Biting down on her bottom lip until she felt a sharp ting of pain, Engel let her eyes hastily wander over message after message, growing more and more restless. If she had identified the little package that Lucas had tried to hide in Isa’s vase yesterday evening, then his “sketchy” behaviour was understandable. After staring at its content for several panic-filled minutes, in the safety of her closed off bedroom obviously, she hadn’t been overly sure if taking the little transparent bag with her had been such an amazing idea. If her parents found weed (because Engel assumed that Lucas did not pull such an elaborate stunt just to hide his garden herbs) in her room, she might as well write and sign her early will.

The first step to not dying an early death at seventeen would be to get rid of the weed again - which meant getting it back to Lucas again. Lucas might have been one of Isas closest friends not that long ago, but to say that her and him were friends would have been a massive overstatement. They barely spoke and only had biology together if Engel remembered correctly.

The easiest method would be to give it back to him at school; even if the thought of carrying the little bag of weed to school made her tremble with anxious energy. She was not badass enough for this.

Maybe she should just approach him on Monday and ask if she could stop by his house after school. That would be the safest and easiest method for both of them. 

Her handbag was still open and placed next to her bed, dropped there carelessly when she had come home in the early hours, and she rummaged through its messy contents before fishing out the little transparent package. This was not something Engel saw herself faced with every day. To be exact, never. Naturally, she had seen the boys smoke at the parties they were all at, had heard Isa talk about it but somehow she had always managed to keep her rose-coloured, pure glasses on and pointedly ignore everything. 

“Engel!”

Her heart jumped into her throat as her mother’s voice sounded through the house from downstairs. Clutching the little bag close to her body she swung her legs out of her bed, hurrying to get to her door. 

“Yes?”

“Are you coming down for breakfast? The eggs are getting cold.”

A shaky breath that she didn’t realize she had been holding left her mouth with a loud huff. She really needed to learn how to stay calm and stop suspecting the worst in any given situation before she died from a heart attack.

“I’m coming!”, she called back, leaning her head against her doorframe, listening to her mother’s quiet steps retreat back into the kitchen again.

> **_now playing: shine by benjamin francis leftwich_ **
> 
> I hope you find the love that's true  
>  So the morning light can shine on you  
>  I hope you find what you're looking for  
>  So your heart is warm for ever more

The little package was hidden safely in a boxed stuffed in between books and tissues at the back of her little nightstand drawer. Her father stood at the coffee machine, already dressed for the day, glasses crooked as always and he turned around to press a kiss to her cheek in greeting. 

“Good morning,” Engel said, sitting down in front of an empty plate and a steaming mug of hot chocolate. Her mother looked up from the newspaper article she had been studying intently before and smiled warmly at her.

“Good morning sweetheart. Sleep well?”

Humming softly, she reached out for the cereal box, nodding at her mother's question.

“I woke up before my alarm, but I slept well.”

Her father moved back to the dining table to set his coffee cup down and sit down in front of her. For a few minutes the only noise surrounding them were the birds loudly chirping the their backyard and the sound of her mother turning the pages of her newspaper as they ate in otherwise comfortable silence. Engel couldn’t imagine her mornings without this - the peaceful and serene breakfast her and her parents spent together since she could remember. Both of her parents were busy from Monday to Friday, her mother working as a lawyer at a big law firm in Utrecht and her father as an accountant at a young start-up company out of town. They were barely home during the week, leaving the house at early hours and coming home late, so they had always tried to designate the weekend for time spent together.

“Did you get your last biology test back already?”

Her father was looking at her over the rim of his glasses and Engel could feel her heart stutter for a second. They hadn’t gotten the test back yet, but she knew without a fail that she hadn’t done an amazing job on it. Most of her time the weekend before the test had been spent leaning over her textbooks, getting more and more frustrated with the every question she couldn’t answer but she’d still gotten her hopes up. Hopes, which had been crushed the second she had laid her eyes on the first question. Before last year, she had never had any major problems with any subject. Most things thankfully came somewhat easy to her, which appeared to surprise most people, but her grades in biology and chemistry were on a steady decline. She still had her hopes planted on the possibility that their teacher had just lost their tests and they would never get them back. Which seemed pretty unlikely, but until she was the undoubtedly horrible grade in front of her, she would cling onto that.

“No, not yet.”

“I am sure you’ve done well.” Her father spoke with a certainty that allowed no objection. It was most likely meant to be assuring, but it only managed to make her stomach churn even more. She only hummed lowly. The thought of having to explain to him why her she was doing so poorly as of lately made her want to hide in her room for the rest of the weekend, so she pushed that thought as far to the back as possible.

She continued the rest of her breakfast in silence, listening to her parents discuss the latest happenings in their neighbourhood in hushed voices (apparently the family living in the house to their right had been evicted and now the neighbourhood gossip was running wild) before letting her eyes and mind wander over to the raindrops softly hitting their windows, lulling her into tired content.

  
  


**maandag** 08:15

Isa and Janna were attempting to throw caramel flavoured popcorn into each other’s mouths and, in the process of doing so for the last ten minutes, had quickly turned their surroundings into a popcorn graveyard. Engel had attempted to start eating her salad at the beginning of her lunch break, but had only made mediocre success so far, too busy laughing until the tears rolled down her cheeks and Liv had to supply her with yet another tissue to dab at the mascara streaks. Lunch was happening as usual. Yet, she couldn’t seem to relax completely.

A certain sense of uneasiness had found its persistent and annoying home in her mind and soul ever since she had been forced out of her obsession over Noah, and had come face to face with thoughts and fears she had been avoiding somewhat successfully until then. Keeping herself busy most of the time did a well enough job to distract her. She tried not to let it impact her actions or let it show, at least not when she was with her friends, and it had worked out sufficiently enough until now. Engel had never been a girl of sadness. The soft smile that never vacated her lips for too long, sunshine-like demeanor and her enthusiasm for most things in life probably her trademark characteristics. If she were to let her inner turmoil show, the girls would know immediately. She had no clue what she would tell them, her head spinning too much, shouting at her in varying frequencies and volumes, hissed insults and confused murmuring. She didn’t even know what her thoughts meant herself most of the time, too afraid to try and unravel them, so she just locked them up in a dark corner of her mind. 

Deep inside her she knew, she knew just fine what was weighing her down. She was also aware that there was probably nothing to fear with her friends. Yet, she kept quiet, a soft, biting voice at the back of her head whispering relentlessly, never leaving her alone for too long. The voice knew her, had spent years in her head, and knew that confrontation was not her strongest suit. She was a sensitive person, all emotions, heart on her sleeves and naive big eyes, biting her lip before speaking, pretending to be broader and brighter than she was. She preferred to tuck in her tail and hold her chin up high while holding back tears; had always been more of a follower than a leader. All bright eyes and enthusiasm to make a change, to keep going, the get people together, but when confronted she caved in. Others were better than her either way - they were right and she wasn’t. Facing confrontation with other people was hard enough; confronting her own demons, no matter how loud they rattled their chains, was not something she felt brave enough to do just yet.  
  


“Sometimes living with Jayden is exhausting.” Engel found herself jerked out of her own spiraling thoughts by Liv placing her head on her shoulder, voice clear and close to her ears. Isa and Janna had stopped their food contest to join a conversation that she had managed to miss completely. The last time her attention had been on the conversation before her, they were talking about history homework. How they had managed to shift from that to Liv’s roommate, she didn’t know, but she had little interest in picking up the topic of getting him and her together again.

“I thought you liked the guy?”

“I do, but he can be a handful. Combined with Ralph, they wreak havoc.” Liv let out a loud yawn as if to underline her statement. Engel loved being over at the flatshare - liked talking to Ralph and Esra, the unstoppable duo, cooking with Liv or just lounging around with the girls without any other reason than just to be together. 

“What’s Ralph doing right now by the way, he’s never there when we’re around anymore,”, Janna asked and Engel perked up. Ralph had barely been around the last few times they had met up over at Liv’s place and his instagram stories showed bright colour and bold costumes, only further aiding their curiosity. 

“He’s working on this project with a dance school here in Utrecht. They’ve got a big show coming up with hundreds of guests and he managed to get the job as their costume designer and kind of makeup artist.”  
“That’s amazing,” Isa nodded with appreciation before giggling slightly, “Please tell me he gets to paint butterflies and flowers on little kids faces.”

Liv’s laughter came out more like an amused snort, and Engel couldn’t help but chuckle along at the mental image of Ralph painting small butterflies onto bright-eyed and bushy-tailed kids’ faces. He’d be amazing at it.

“He does too, I think. But the company also has older groups, like kids our age. They’ve got this one group of girls between 18 and 25 and they’re amazing. I think they do jazz dance, I got to watch their practise once.”

Engel tried not to let her mind wander too far at the thought of that, biting down on her lower lip to distract her from the images in her head.

“But now that Ralph’s barely at home, Jayden has the guys over constantly. I don’t think I will ever get the smell of weed out of our pillows in the living room.”

The mention of weed made her remember the reason she panically locked the upper drawer of her bedside table and hid the key underneath the small, wilting plant on her windowsill every morning before rushing down to get to school on time. Scanning the room, she quickly found Jayden and Kes not far away from them, loud laughs carrying through the cafeteria. Jayden was gesticulating wildly, without doubt retelling a story that was a lot wilder than it had actually happened. Lucas was nowhere in sight.

“Is Lucas not in school today?”

“Not that I know. I think he’s sick,” Isa offered, shrugging her shoulder, “He wasn’t in Maths this morning.”

Liv lifted her head from her shoulder to throw her a curious look, “Why are you looking for him?”

In hindsight, she could have probably told the girls why she was looking for Lucas without any problems. Isa was friends with him - at least they used to be friends, until the whole fiasco a few months back - and the other girls all got along just fine with him. It was no secret that the boys smoked at parties and that Jayden probably always carried something around with him. Yet something held her back. Isa probably wouldn’t be overjoyed that her once close friend had decided to hide weed in her house where her mother, or worse the police, could have easily found it (that vase was a horrible hiding spot).

“I was just wondering,” she shrugged with what she hoped was casual disinterest, “You know, since he was being so weird after the party.”

Thankfully, that seemed to distract Isa enough from her feeble attempt at lying as she started humming in agreement, face scrunched up lightly. 

Looks like she had to wait another day to talk to Lucas.

  
  


**woensdag** 14:00

Lucas didn’t appear again until Wednesday afternoon. Tuesday had passed without any sign of him and Engel had grown fidgety by Wednesday morning when another school morning went by without him turning up. When she entered their biology classroom and saw him sitting at his desk, she nearly threw her bag into the next best corner to run into his arms. Which would have just been the slightest bit weird.

Instead, she took a deep breath, gripping the strap of her bag and straightening her back to refrain herself from skipping over to his desk. It was time she got rid off the weed-bag shaped secret hidden in her room.

“Hey, good afternoon.”

Lucas’ head shot up from where he had been fixated on his phone, eyebrows furrowed and lips pressed shut tightly. Admittedly, they had barely talked without Isa present, usually forced into conversation as the rest of their friends mingled together, words nothing but polite small talk.

“Hey,” his eyes darted over her face in what she assumed to be confusion, but she didn’t let that rattle the bright smile that had already overtaken her features. 

“Lovely day, isn’t it?” Heavy rain had been hitting the windows for hours, dark sky colouring every classroom in a dull, grey light and their moods in nothing but melancholy. It looked like a big thunderstorm would hit Utrecht soon. Lucas only squinted at the big windows to their right in reply to her.

“Either way…”, Engel cleared her throat despite there being no need for it, shuffling slightly from one foot to another as her hands grip tight onto the desk in front of her, “I’ve got your stuff.”

Lucas’ brows furrowed in confusion at her cryptic words, and he looked over her shoulder as if expecting hidden cameras to appear behind her. If she were in his position, she probably would have been equally as confused. Maybe she should have told the girls about this beforehand after all - Isa or Janna were much better at this good cop bad cop scheme than her.

“You’ve got my what?”  
“You know, your...drugs.”  
“You’ve got my weed?”

Engel flinched at his raised voice, panically looking around them to check that no one had overheard his exclamation of surprise, only to find the other students around them lost in their own little worlds. She wasn’t in the mood to explain this conversation to her teacher - or to anyone really.

“Yeah, that stuff.”

As Lucas leaned forward, Engel found herself leaning in too. There was something akin to curiosity in his eyes as, hidden under a layer of what she assumed to be mistrust. 

“How did you get it?”

The scoff, so uncharacteristically for her bubbly and happy nature, left her lips on its own accord before they went back to their easy smile. “Well, you were the one who hid it at Isa’s house and nearly got her into a lot of trouble, so I took it with me before her mother or the police could find it.”

He at least had the decency to look sheepish at her words, looking down to avoid meeting her eyes. His fingers started tapping an uneven rhythm on the scribbled on school desk, pale against the milky gray. She could see the dark circles under his eyes, his chapped lips and the messiness of his hair and had to bite her lips to refrain from asking any question that could overstep their boundaries. It was something she was new to - not overstepping boundaries in her enthusiasm and worry for other people’s wellbeing, but she was trying. Maybe she should leave her worries for if they ever became closer friends - or mention her observations to Isa who could approach him about it.

“So what do you want?” 

She nearly missed his question, too lost in mustering the obvious signs of exhaustion on his face to catch him looking back up at her. 

“What?”  
“What do you want for the weed?”  
“Do I look like your drug dealer?” 

The eyed each other in a silent challenge, eyes squinted nearly shut, blue locked with blue, only mere seconds passing by before Engel had to avert her eyes. 

“It’s yours and I am going to give it back to you obviously.”

“Just like that?”, he asked, head tilted as he looked at her with she assumed to be curiosity. Something that she didn’t fully understand, because what else was she supposed to do if not give him back what was rightfully his? She knew that he didn’t act with ill intent, never wanted to get his friend in trouble no matter the fall out they had before. The weed was his and even if she had been the one to find it, it was never hers to begin with. She had no claim over it - and even if, she had no clue what to do with it. 

“It’s not mine, so yes, I’ll bring it to school tomorrow,” she replied with a shrug, ready to stop having the little bag of weed in the bag of her mind at every time, “don’t hide random weed around your friends houses and nearly get them into trouble with the police ever again though, alright?”

Judging by the missing intimidation on Lucas’ face, her attempt at sounding threatening had failed miserably. He nodded nonetheless. Propping her elbow on his desk, she held out her pinkie.

“Pinkie promise?”

At that, Lucas let out a disbelieving snort, softly shaking his head. It was the first time she had seen him smile this entire conversation, so she counted it as a win. He hooked his pinkie with hers and they shook hands, as if sealing a million dollar deal and not just the silly promise of refraining from hiding weed in your friends vases at parties that ended too early. 

  
“Pinkie promise.”

**woensdag** 15:15

She had completely flucked the biology test as expected and the crinkled sheet of paper, filled with angry red markings and stale, repeated lines of “I know you can do better than this”, felt heavy in her bright yellow backpack. The cheerfulness of its colour was laughing in her face, daunting and teasing. Yet another failed biology test to add to her alarmingly fast growing collection - and her overall grade was on a swift decline. She had managed to avoid telling her father about the last two tests with mediocre results, lying with her eyes cast down and her face heating up. Stumbling over words about a non-existent good grade before she had hurried back to her room under the false facade of having to study. But she knew that he wanted to see this test himself. 

Both of her parents were successful in their respective fields, working hard at their vastly different jobs, but while her mother earned nearly double as much her father, it had always been him to push her to go further, to follow in both of their footsteps when it came to staying at the top of whatever she did. He constantly raised the bar for her. Whenever she felt like she had finally reached it, had finally managed to fulfill his expectations, he pulled it even further out of her reach. She couldn’t remember a time at which her father had ever been fully satisfied with her or her actions. When she had been younger it had been like a game to her - since she had never experienced something else in her life, it felt like the status quo - constantly working harder and pushing herself, trying to get her father to admit that he was proud of her work, that what she had done was enough. It was like a trophy that she thought she only deserved when she finally managed to jump high enough and touch the bar her father had placed for her. When she had been younger, it had dangled above her head like a price. Now it felt more and more like a looming shadow, threatening to come crashing down onto her or disappear completely out of her reach. 

This test was just another reminder that she would never be able to reach his expectations. 

“Engel, wait!”

It took her only seconds to collect herself again, schooling her features into a cheerful mask etched onto her face. When she turned around, she was met with a slightly out of breath looking Lucas.

“Hey, did you forget anything?”

“No...I mean - I saw your biology test and I thought -”, She managed to cut him off before he could continue, bright tone to match the smile on her face with fake nonchalance.

“Oh, that’s alright, that was just a one off things, my grades are usually very good.” The lie sounded fake, even to her own ears; her voice too high pitched and the cheerfulness a little over the top. She prayed that Lucas didn’t catch on. The last thing she needed was someone to hack at her carefully build up facade. She was too afraid that if she dared to let it crumble even in front of those she wasn’t particularly close with, it would only be a matter of time until it came crashing down with her father too.

“It’s just - if you ever need help, like tutoring or something, just tell me. I’m no genius, but I’m good at biology.”

Engel searched his tone for any hint of pity, for mockery and an underlying joke waiting to jump out at her, but she came out empty-handed. Though she knew that she could never come home and announce that she had to get a tutor (from her own year) to help her with biology - at least not to her father. Her mother wouldn’t mind, she was sure of that, but her father had never been one to approve of admitting a weakness and enlisting the help of others where your own resources couldn’t win on their own. 

“That’s very nice of you, thank you. But I’m alright.”  
“Okay,” Lucas replied easily, rocking back and forth on the back of his feet as he mustered her with a lazy smile, “The offer still stands, just tell me.”

She couldn’t help but smile back at him, this smile weaker than the one before, but fully genuine. “Okay. See you, Lucas.”  
“See you.”

Lucas pulled his hood up and pushed past the big glass doors separating them from the never-ending downpour waiting for her outside, disappearing into the misty rain as quickly as he had appeared behind her.

At least the weather matched her mood perfectly.

> **_now playing: meant to stay hid by syml_ **
> 
> i wasn’t built for this  
>  my head can’t make any damn sense of this so it sings  
>  can’t remember the smell and I  
>  can’t recall the taste but I try everyday  
>  if i wasn’t so afraid, then I’d shine a light up to space

  
  
  


**vrijdag** 16:21

> **_now playing: here comes the sun by rod ladgrove (a beatles cover)_ **
> 
> here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
>  and I say it's all right  
>  little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter  
>  little darling, it feels like years since it's been here

Janna’s room fitted her personality perfectly, just as eclectic, wild and bright; with posters plastered all over one wall, painted in a bright yellow and furniture thrown together wildly, not meant to go together, but fitting in their own way. Engel loved Janna’s room. It was the complete opposite of her room. Neatly organized, furniture all from one set with soft blues and pinks in every corner.

When they had come in nearly an hour ago clothes had been spread around, the desk cluttered with various essays. The bed was unmade, but they had dropped down onto the bright blue bedding nonetheless. The promise had been to just rest for a few minutes before starting on their school work. Now, with their history assignment long forgotten, they still hadn’t moved. Janna let out a long yawn, as Engel continued scrolling through instagram, staring at the same five posts she had seen at least ten times already.

Janna was lying next to her, hanging partially off the end, head growing redder by the second as she continued typing on her phone. Occasionally, a giggle would escape her and Engel couldn't help but grin. Seeing her friend like this always made her happy - and curious. She vaguely remembered a cute guy on Janna’s mind a few weeks ago. "Who are you texting?"

"Huh?" Janna looked up, blinking rapidly as if to regain control over her sight again. Her face was coloured bright pink, clashing aggressively with the orange of her hair.

“You’re looking happy,” Engel pointed out, warm smile on her lips as she nodded towards Janna’s phone, still clutched in her hands. Janna wasn’t one to shy away from talking about who she was dating - or just seeing, texting Engel was horrible with terms like that - but she also wasn’t one to shove it in their faces all the time. Whoever it was, Engel couldn’t help but be curious, always excited to hear about what kind of person made her friends face light up this time. And she usually came out of even the horrible dates with funny stories to tell.

“Is it the guy you went out with two weeks ago?”

“Erik? Nah. He turned out to be a complete idiot."

Janna turned her phone around in Engels general directions. A girl about their age was grinning back at her, dark hair braided into several braids cascading down her back, a certain sparkle of mischief behind brown eyes. She was pretty. Engel bit down on her lip, averting her eyes.

"Oh. What's her name?"

"Marlies.”

Janna leaned back to hang off of the edge of her bed again, content smile on her face as she went back to her phone. Engel remained upright, fiddling with the hem of her pants. Janna was a never disappearing constant in her life, as ever present as her parents. Her freckles face showed up in all her birthday pictures, her bright, toothy smile grinning back from most of Engels childhood photos. They were thirteen when Janna had discovered that she liked not only boys, but also girls. There had never really been a coming out or dramatic revelation of any sort, at least not that Engel was aware.

It had been a breezy spring afternoon, flowers of all kind opening up after a dark and rainy winter, weather finally getting warm enough to leave the puffer jacket at home when leaving the house. They had been kicking their bare feet back and forth on the old swing set on their favourite playground when Janna started talking about the cute girl from their maths class.

When Engel had mentioned that Janna was seeing the blonde girl a few weeks later at the dinner table, her father had looked up from the business reports that he had been studying for the entirety of their family dinner, crease apparent on his forehead. She could still feel the anxious bubbling in her stomach that she had felt back then, even if her father's antipathy had confused her.

“Is she into girls now?”

“She’s also into guys, she said.”

“At least that.”

She hadn’t properly understood her father’s distain - there had never been something wrong to her with Janna liking girls or guys, or both, she just liked listening to her friend, no matter what she was talking about - but her father’s words had burned itself into her mind from then on. She was a sponge to her father’s every word, had been from a young age on, shaped and molded by his thoughts, his views, his opinions. Her parents were a constant in her life, everything she looked up to and aspired to be. Disappointing her parents or going against their expectations was one of her greatest fears and barely crossed her mind - a forbidden thought completely against what she knew. It had never been different, and she felt like it was a prison she could never free herself from.

Engel shook herself back to the present moment, too lost in her own pondering once again. Long-time sadness had never been her thing.

"How did you meet?"

"Do you remember that café Isa and I went to the other day, where they held that lgtbq event?" Janna didn’t look up from her spot this time, only wildly flailing her arms to help with her story. Engel hummed in reply.

“She was there too, she was actually one of the people who organized it. That’s how we started talking.”

She had always admired Janna’s blatant attitude of not caring about what other people thought of her. She was the complete opposite - tiptoeing around everyone, constantly fearing the opinion of others while also fighting her whole life to please those around her. There was a constant battle between the person she was and the person she felt she had to be in order to be accepted by those she admired. Her life had always evolved around trying to fit in, never being alone and always having someone to trail after. Someone to look up to. At this point, she wasn’t sure anymore who she even was without the opinion of others.

"She sounds lovely."

"She does yeah."

**vrijdag** 20:20

The wind was biting against her face, every wave hitting her face and leaving it stinging, but she enjoyed it. It helped clear her mind, felt like the wind was blowing right through her every fiber, taking dark thoughts and deep worries with it. Jannas place was only a few minutes away from hers and she enjoyed the quiet time she had to herself. Even if her thoughts appeared to be her own worst enemy these days. At least it wasn’t raining this time.

Before she could get lost in her own thoughts again, soft music reached her ears, a lulled melody she had heard before. Squinting her eyes, she quickened her step, following the sounds as they grew louder and louder; the song slowly reaching its final notes as she stepped closer to the unknown source. Her feet lead her into a street completely taking her into the wrong direction, but she was fuelled by shere curiosity and the need to distract her mind. Something was tugging in her stomach, telling her to keep going.

The source of the noise revealed itself quickly. It was the dance school Engel only saw out of the corner of her eyes every time she took on the walk between Jannas house and hers. Usually it was just a stream of young adults she caught piling out of the dance school in the afternoon. Whenever she came back from her friend’s house in the evening, the building was vacated, late hours leaving it dark and quiet. This time she seemed to have caught a later class.

Cautiously she stepped closer to the old, white building; hands hidden in her pockets and head bowed down low. There was a floor to ceiling window on the side, revealing one of the dance rooms. It appeared to be the only one still in use, judging by the rest of the windows being pitch black. The class had she had heard before had ended, the new song playing now turned to a low volume that made it impossible for Engel to catch specific words. The few girls still there were spread across the room, chatting while packing up.

Her gaze danced aimlessly from girl to girl, not fixating on any of them, not recognizing any of their faces. They looked like they were about her age but not from her school. The light around the ro was warm and dimmed, leaving them in a cozy glow and Engels heart ached for the happy serenity they radiated. She began to pull away, soaking in the last drops of the calming atmosphere, when her eyes stumbled over one of the girls not far away from the window.

> **_now playing: rhiannon by fleetwood mac_ **
> 
> rhiannon rings like a bell through the night and  
>  wouldn't you love to love her?  
>  takes to the sky like a bird in flight and  
>  who will be her lover?
> 
> all your life you've never seen  
>  a woman taken by the wind  
>  would you stay if she promised you heaven?  
>  will you ever win?

The girl definitely did not go to her school, and she seemed to be a year or two older than her - maybe she was already at university? Engel was sure that she would have seen her, even if it was only fleeting. Her face was a face you remembered, no matter how short lived the encounter was; pink lips, reddened cheeks, dark hair tied back and her body moving with an unconscious gracefulness only dancers could posses. There was an air of thoughtfulness mixed with a certain restless energy around her, never stopping to rest and letting her eyes flicker over what was before her. She was beautiful, for a lack of better words, and Engel could feel her heart do somersaults in her chest just from looking at her. Her appearance left her in a state of breathlessness she had never experienced before, her train of thought long lost.

Someone in the dance room dropped their water bottle, and Engel felt herself being jostled right back into reality. The cold wind hit her like a reminder of where and who she was. Which right now meant that she was standing in front of a floor length window, looking at a girl she had never seen before as if she was the most beautiful person to ever walk this earth. The loud noise also reminded her that they were not alone and that there were several other girls that could catch her being this creepy. The reminder let her stumble back, gathering her thoughts and herself before anyone could see her. Without allowing a second look back, she turned around to hurry back down the street that would lead her back to the warm safety of her home.

Still, something kept on lingering at the back of her head.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this first chapter, i hope you enjoyed it so far!  
> You can find me on tumblr @isakeijjser if you feel like screaming about SKAM and other things.


End file.
